Sad

So hard to walk with you.. I found it so hard.. What should I do? I'm not sure.. I'm sad, i pushed you away, I want to make you leave me.. I hate you, I don't want to be with you anymore.. I keep stabbing you, at the same time I'm doing to myself too.. I found another person to talk with, to accompany me and talk to me during my hard time, until i fall asleep at night.. But then, my world can only fit you in..

I hate you..but I need you the most..There are no replacement for you..

But..I must be strong to get through this.. I can make it, I must give my word. I keep telling these to myself.. Don't find you.. I can't! Shall not! Be strong.. I don't need you! I don't need you!! Yeah..right.. T.T

= Escaping =

I always thought love is all about fairy tales.. Everything is sweet, dreamy and perfect.. Yeah, it is sweet, but definitely not a fairy tale.. I've been struggling to have a happy, loving relationship, but it doesn't work well.. And what happened to me is.. all the relationship I had/having, is kinda long distance relationship.. not kinda, it is. There are so much to take care of, to maintain.. The time when you falling in love, it was so sweet.. But after becoming a couple, it was different..

Busy lifestyle makes you do nothing, huh? How to maintain a relationship? Where is all the surprise? How to make your couple's heartbeat keep pounding out for you? Gifts? Cards? Calls? Meeting? Magic words? Love letters? Did you do all these for your couple? Even though doing all those stuff wont takes u long time to do so.. I even ask myself did I do that? Actually how to maintain a relationship? I really don't know.. I seem to fail again..

I do ask questions like 'dear, will you ever think of leaving me alone?' .. 'dear,if there's one day I'm gone, will you try to find me?'.. 'dear, do you really love me?'.. I'm sure most of the girls will ask the same questions as me.. But why? It is because..we had lost our faith, we are weakening inside..we need supports, loves and cares.. What answer will you give to your couple if they ask you these? 'I'm tired, don't ask these question, and this will never happen.?'.. 'I'll find you if I had enough sleep..?'.. Does all these answers help? But if you do tired, you really can answer these out?

These days, I'm actually escaping from my dear.. I don't know how to communicate with him.. I'm scare.. I asked him not to find me.. yeah, he is doing.. I'm doing the same also.. I'm trying to escape from the problems we are having, I'm trying to escape from him, I'm trying to escape and pull myself off from this relationship.. I'm trying to cover all the hurts that keep staying inside me.. I'm trying to be strong.. I'm trying to live alone, well.. exclude my family members.. I know it's hard, but I'm half way of it..

Am i decided what I want? Am i decided to letting this go? Am i going to throw the air tickets away? Am i decided not to back to my dear's arm? I don't know... Am i hurt? Am i losing faith and trusts? Am i being carefree? yes..I am. I need someone to rely on, to be taken care of, to be pamper and to be love.. If I can't meet this person, I guess I need to do all those to myself.. Yeah, no big deal..

I hate long distance relationship.. I did think of sacrifice for my love one.. But I feel insecure inside.. Why? Who take this responsibility to answer? If there comes another chance to have a new relationship, I don't think I'll easy to make any move.. God know I'm so fed up and tired.. Escape escape escape...to a corner where no people can find..

Performance 4

I started to giving up on my Performance 4 which is an exam from Yamaha Music School. I found it is very difficult to learn and perform. Or maybe my heart had stopped at Grade 5 since long time ago, and don't have the will to go further.. This.. I'm not sure.. But I'm pretty sure that if my sen see heard what I just said, I'll certainly get smacked by her seriously! LOLX!

Exam will be at this year end which still far behind to go, and so do my progress of learning. I can't digest what my sen see had taught, it took me quite a long time.. Struggle every week to go for a lesson, tried to find any reason to skip lesson.. I'm so wanna give up.. But I know I can't! Aww, why can't I? I'm not sure with another question again! Life! Complicated and challenging!

It was so funny that all the time when my friends ask how am I going, my answer for sure will be 'busy preparing exam!' XD Yeah, my sen see told me I can't stop walking, can't stop running towards M.U.S.I.C! So.. every year, I will forced by her to take different kind of exams. Erm, ok, not fully forced by her, there will still have 20% willingness from me tho. Hahax!!

Well, hopefully coming May or June, I'll pass my Fundamental 4, left one subject-Theory to resit. My sen see keep scratching her head, none from her student will fail in one subject only, that's Theory, other subject might reasonable, but not Theory, but then.. here I am! XD And hopefully, I found my courage back and rush my Performance goal this year end.. Hopefully..

Well, here's my first blog in April! =D

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I'm getting lost with this sickening word for now. I remember when I got to know my dear, we were having the same problem that we've got not much friends around. And we agreed that we don't need many friends but a few with sincerity are already enough. I guess so..

I'm quite sad that there's one friend I'm having now, is not that sincere to me as I always treat him as an important friend. There are a lot of times that makes me lose my trust on him, and when I went to ask him about this matter, he could gave out many reasons that could gain my trust back. I think that I should have stop all this. I shouldn't have put more cares on him anymore. Sometimes I felt stupid.

Found out this world is such a scary place to live in. You never know who would stab you when you turn your back around and walk through your life. There are no appreciation from 'this' mankind of friends even if you did so much for this friend. Aw, come on, you will still need to pass your life through, cheer up!! Yeah right! I won't care for this friend-YOU start from this moment onwards because I just kill my sincere heart towards you. You better take care from now on, I won't ask a word about you again. XD

Well~ It's my life~~

My lesson in weak condition!

One week has passed, here comes Thursday again!! I received a sms from my sen see in the early morning telling me that she's coming to my house at around 10am. Well, i saw her car parked outside my house at 9.40am, quite early huh? I've been fallen sick since Monday until now, still haven recover yet, and yet still I don't want to look for a doctor because I do hate medicine as well as now, I'm already lost my appetite to eat, getting lesser day by day. Bring my sickness go to classes everyday in weak condition. It's quite fun huh? Not really..

Today I'm having heavy headache, flu and cough, still haven't get rid of those yet, and there comes my "1st day" @.@ Gosh!! Without a good concentration, I almost simply passed my day in these 2 days, simply do whatever I'm doing without any real purpose. So, my Bossa for today.. not really working out. But, my sen see saw my pity face, she's not able to nag or scold me. XD I earned!! But yet, homework double increased compare to the previous homework she gave me. She reminded me to work more on it before she leave my house. Oh uh.. I don't think I have good concentration for now, sorry sen see.. So i went to nap aft she left, because I really want to fall down already. x.x

There is one thing left, I forgot i got new classes at night time!! Gosh gosh gosh!! Thanks to my collegue who reminded me in the phone earlier. Or else, I'm going to have heart attack at night time! XD Well, hopefully I'm getting better tomorrow! Aww, my headache.. makes me want to explode!! Oyasumi kudasai! =D

Bubuu~

I've adopted one super pet in my friendster page. It's a little puppy, her name is Bubuu~ These 2 days she's been losing in battle for more than 20 rounds which makes me quite moody. XD Well, feeling like I'm not able to protect her from involve in battle with other super pets..

Oh yeah, today is my lesson day~! Hooray~! Hooray~! I'm cheering not because I've done a good job, it's because my sen see has canceled today's class. Saying went to look for a doctor, might take her long time to queue up. Hahax! And guess what? I've met her in the afternoon, and i saw her with a new straighten hair style! Well, not new hair style actually, she keeps go to saloon and get her hair straighten always. So i wonder, whether she's lying or what? =x

Oops, sorry sen see. It's very suspicious that, a sick people who just went to look for a doctor in the morning, canceled my 10.30am class and then she get her hair straightened when i met her at 2pm? As far as I know, you need to sit there for 4-5 hours to get your hair straighten tho! Hmm~ or maybe last night she get her hair done? Well, yesterday i met her at night time, not yet tho!! Impossible she went to saloon at midnight? The only reason can solve all these question is.. SEN SEE YOU ARE LYING! LOLX!

That's my super pet, Bubuu~ She's cute, isn't she? =D

Exhaustion

I feeling so tired today, maybe it's because I'm having very late sleep recently. This morning, I'm exhausted in my 2nd hour, 2nd class which i couldn't control all 3 year old kids anymore that i barely wanna fall down and keep gasping for breath! Gosh~! I'm so wanna back home and take a good nap. (Nap again huh? LOLX!)

After that 2 hours class, I back to music school and wait for my next class, a student who was my classmate 4 years ago. Well, she's married and pregnant for now. I sent her a sms last night around 11pm, were trying to tell her I'm free to give her a replacement class. But then, i got no reply from her, so i guess she was asleep. At last, she replied me in the morning saying she's agree to have replacement. And guess what when i met her? I told her can we just have half an hour lesson? XD

She understood and got the reason from my face, because i do look very tired. Hahax! So, that's it, half an hour lesson for her as usual. And she asked me why did i stay so late at night, 11pm she's probably sleeping soundly since she told me she sleep at 9pm. Wow!! I was like, that's way too early for me because, usually i sleep at 1-2am and it is mainly, strictly because, my dear is online. XD There's no other reason can force me sleep earlier. Lolx!! Funny huh? Well, I think is common. =p

Funny conversation with her, she freaked out by my 'sleeping time' and so do i to hers. Lolx! Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll do better because..tomorrow is my lesson day with my sen see!! Gan bate Ne!! Yosh! ^.^v